#might have been before the relevant taylor swift relationship even began

[yesigototherapyjustletmehavethis]

Babe, are you okay? You’ve been listening to “You’re Losing Me” on repeat for two hours.

[mistymazzello]

Cruel Summer | part vii

high school!joe mazzello x reader

summary- they used to be best friends, but now that y/n has a boyfriend (that everyone hates), joe and y/n can’t seem to come to terms with their feelings, but it’s no secret to anyone how they truly feel.

warnings-cussing, angst

a/n-dm me or send something to my inbox to be added to the taglist!!

word count- 2.8

taglist-taglist- @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye @briarrose26 @mrsmazzello @im-an-adult-ish @iamthebeth @cobaincreates @almightygwil @timmvrphy @free-pool-trash @inlovewithaxlrose @findingillyria​

based on cruel summer by taylor swift

You had all been at Rami’s for a few hours, and it was getting late, but it didn’t bother any of you. Well, it didn’t bother any of you except Gwilym. He had left half an hour ago, rambling about having a functional sleep schedule, leaving the rest of you sitting on the floor of Rami’s room. You sat with your head on Joe’s shoulder, making Joe’s heart soar at the fact that you were finally his and everyone knew it.

It was when Joe began to tell Rami about what had happened between the two of you that made Ben stand up, giving a quick excuse as to why he had to leave.

“Aw, Ben, come on, it’s only like, midnight.” Joe pleaded.

He looked at you. “Yeah I know. I’m just gonna go.”

He said a few short goodbyes and walked out, leaving the room filled with confused silence.

After hearing the sound of the front door opening then closing, Joe turned to the three of you.“Why’s he being so weird?” The question was enough to make your heart start racing. They had noticed?

“Oh my God, I thought I was crazy! I noticed that too!” Lucy exclaimed.

“Yeah, it’s like he’s mad or something.” Joe added.

“I think he’s just in a bad mood.” You said, trying to make an excuse for Ben so you could change the subject as quickly as possible.

“I don’t know, he’s never like this.” Lucy said.

“He seemed like he was mad at me.” Joe stated.

Rami let out a small laugh, causing you all to look at him. 

“What?” Lucy giggled, nudging Rami’s arm with her elbow.

“Nothing.” He dismissed.

“Do you know something…?” Joe said.

Rami looked up at you and your eyes went wide, silently begging him to not reveal whatever information he might know, especially in front of Joe.

“What?” Lucy asked again, but this time she wasn’t laughing.

“Y/N, I think you should talk to him.” Rami said simply. 

Your heart rate increased tenfold, and you looked at him and shook your head. You had figured that Rami knew something, if not everything. “I tried already.”

“What’d he say?” Lucy pressed.

You shrugged.

“Well what’d you talk to him about?” Joe asked.

You didn’t want to lie to Joe, but you also didn’t want to expose Ben to everyone.  You lifted your head off of his shoulder and turned to him. “He was just being really weird about the two of us.”

“Why?” He asked. You shrugged and he shook his head. He instinctively wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his chest. He felt a little threatened by Ben and how close the two of you were, and he wasn’t about to lose his girl to him. 

A year ago

“Ashley Thompson was the prettiest girl there, end of story.” Gwilym laughed. The boys were all packed into Gwilym’s bedroom after prom night, all of them tired but staying up anyway to talk about one of their favorite topics; girls.

“No way, oh my god. Charlotte Mayfield had everyone beat.” Rami said.

Ben was quiet, he hadn’t really been paying attention to what they were talking about, his mind on only one girl.

Joe’s mind was on the exact same girl.

“Ben, settle an argument for us. Which girl looked the best tonight?” Gwilym asked.

Ben looked up from his phone and raised his eyebrows. “I thought Y/N looked beautiful.”

Joe’s heart nearly fell to his stomach. He doubted Ben had ever thought of you the way that he did, but he wanted to make it known that he liked her anyway. “Yeah, I agree.”

“What?” Rami said, his eyebrows furrowed. “She’s our friend though.”

Joe shrugged. “Doesn’t change the fact that she’s beautiful.”

The boys agreed and let it go, but Ben looked over to Joe. “You like Y/N?” he questioned, hoping the answer was no.

Joe laughed nervously. “She’s my best friend.”

“Okay and? That doesn’t mean anything.”

Joe looked at his feet and thought for a moment. If he told them, you would inevitably find out. “No, I don’t like her.”

Ben nearly sighed in relief. He hadn’t pinpointed the exact moment he began liking you, but he knew it happened, and once it did, there was no turning back.

Joe felt the exact same way.

Present day

You felt extremely embarrassed, for Ben and for Joe, and even for yourself. You had a feeling Joe wasn’t going to let this go, but you really didn’t want to tell him all of Ben's feelings that Ben hadn’t even confirmed to you. As you drove Joe to his house at the end of the night, he still hadn’t forgotten about what was said. In fact, he had been obsessing over it. 

He held your hand as you drove, trying to work up the courage to ask you about it, but still not wanting to seem jealous or possessive. He knew you had enough of that in your past. 

“Hey um,” he finally spoke up, “What was that whole Ben thing about?” 

“Oh, nothing.” You said, shifting in your seat as you pulled onto you and Joe’s street. “He had kind of figured it out before we told him, and he just seemed weird about it. A little mad, maybe.”

He nodded. “Mad about what?” he asked timidly. He could feel his cheeks getting red as the seconds passed. He has always been intimidated by Ben, by the relationship you and him had. Sure, you and Joe were dating, but the relationship you had with Ben was different. More intellectual. 

You sighed. “I don’t know.”

Joe didn’t want to push the subject any further and risk making you mad or uncomfortable. One of the worst things Carter did was accuse you of dating Ben, and he didn’t want to become toxic with the same ideals of your ex boyfriend. He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that all of this pointed towards the possibility of Ben having feelings for you. In fact, he remembered a year or so ago, when Ben had said you were the most beautiful girl at your school. He had brushed that off until now. Now it was relevant, now your relationship was at risk. 

The car came to a stop as you pulled into his driveway and silence settled between the two of you. You wanted so badly to confide in Joe, to tell him everything you had experienced with Ben and to have him comfort you. But you didn’t want to hurt Joe’s feelings or make him worry about Ben, or, worst of all, make him mad at Ben. 

He leaned over and kissed you sweetly, giving you a small, almost pained smile as he pulled away. You hadn’t given a great excuse to what you had talked to Ben about, and you knew that Joe had to have been a little bit suspicious.

Joe stepped out into the warm summer air and leaned down back into the car before shutting the door. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Joey.” You said softly. He shut the car door and you watched him as he walked up the porch. As he reached his front door, he turned around and gave you a small wave, then stepped inside.

As you pulled out of his driveway, you had already made your mind up as to where you were going. You had to talk to Ben, you had to try and get even a little bit of closure so you could stop worrying about this over-dramatic situation.

Joe watched your car through his front window and he saw you drive straight past your house, making his heart wrench. He closed his eyes and almost winced. Your car disappeared into the distance and he set his forehead against the window and sighed. He knew where you were going and he couldn’t even get mad. 

You almost wanted to speed towards Ben’s house, your desperation for closure or at least a little more knowledge was becoming worse by the second. You pulled in his driveway and pulled your phone out, your hands shaking as you clicked on his contact.

Y/N- Come outside. I need to talk to you.

Ben- Can this wait

Y/N- Ben I’m serious. Please come and talk to me.

A minute passed and there was no reply. You typed and retyped another message to send to him, but then you saw his porch light turn on. You sighed in relief and climbed out of your car, warm air flowing around your body. The front door opened slowly and Ben came out, only wearing boxers and a white T-shirt. 

The wind picked up as he walked over to you, looking down and scratching the back of his neck as he approached.

“Ben,” You started shakily. “I want you to tell me the truth, okay?”

He looked up and met your eyes. He looked scared, yet he nodded.

“What’s wrong?” You practically begged.

Wind blew his hair around and he put his hands over his face and let out a small laugh.

“I mean, everyone knows, Ben. It’s only a matter of time before I find out.”

He looked up and shrugged, a sarcastic laugh coming from his lips as he moved his hands to grip his hair. His eyes were glazed over with tears, the moon from the clear summer sky reflecting off of them. 

“I love you.” He paused and your heart dropped. You had known, but somehow hearing him say it made everything worse. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Ben…” You started. 

“And I could deal with it when you were with Carter. I knew you were never gonna see me that way, and I was able to live with that. But with Joe everything is so much worse, Y/N. You don’t understand. I loved you before Joe did. I was here all along. But you chose him over me and I’m not surprised, I’m not even mad. It just hurts, okay? It hurts… really, really fucking bad.” Hot tears were running down his face at this point and he had to stop himself from slapping his hand over his mouth at what he had just revealed.

You stood there awestruck at the sudden outpour of Ben’s feelings. “Ben,” you began, trying to put together what the right thing to say was in your mind. “You have to understand that I can’t be with you. That’s just not gonna happen.”

“You think I don’t know that?” He shouted. “I have spent the last six months coming to terms with that, Y/N.”

Silence settled in the air as the two of you stood there. Ben thought that maybe if he had told you just a week earlier things would have been different. You thought the same thing.

“I’m sorry Ben.” You choked, trying not to cry in pity for him, “I love someone else.”

He nodded. “I know.” He said softly.

“Please don’t tell Joe about this.” You pleaded.

“I won’t.”

You had nothing else to say, so you looked down then opened your car door.

Ben, desperately trying to make things better, grabbed your arm. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

He stood there for a second, holding your arm as you looked at him. A small part of you wanted to kiss him, and a huge part of him wanted to kiss you. He knew it was wrong, he did, but the hot summer air must have done something to him. He leaned in just a few inches, his hand not leaving your bicep. 

He was giving you a choice. He only moved in halfway. 

You looked at his lips then back at his soft blue eyes. For a second, you were tempted.

But then you thought about Joe. The way he made you feel. How he kissed you. The way he would always instinctively grab the back of your neck. The way he would put his face in the crook of your neck when you hugged. The way he looked when Ben was brought up. How hurt he would be if you did this.

You looked down and Ben let go of your arm. You couldn’t make yourself look back up at him as you climbed in your car and shut the door. He backed away from your car and put his hands on his head as you pulled away from his house.

Both of you had the same thought in your mind; did that just happen?

A few days later and the feelings of Sunday night’s ordeal had settled. More than anything, you felt bad for Ben. Ben on the other hand felt embarrassed. He hadn’t seen you or talked to you since that night and he wished that you could both just forget about it.

Taken that you felt bad for Ben, you probably should have figured that he, or anyone else for that matter, was going to be at your house in a few minutes before you and Joe started fooling around. 

If you would have thought this through more, you would have come to that realization. But you didn’t.

You were straddling Joe’s lap on your bed, you didn’t hear the footsteps coming from the hallway. Joe’s hand was up your shirt and you were just beginning to reach down for the hem of his pants as the door to your room swung open. You both jumped, Joe’s hand immediately pulled out from under your shirt. You rolled off of him as quickly as possible and turned to the door as Joe sat up. Gwilym and Ben stood there, shocked.

“Oh, my god,” Gwilym burst laughing. “I am so sorry.” 

You nervously laughed and glanced at Joe, who’s eyes were wide, a smile playing on his lips.

“I didn’t think you guys were gonna be here so early.” You breathed. 

“Sweetheart, we’re 6 minutes late.” He said, still laughing.

“Oh.” You laughed a little. You finally looked at Ben, his face red and his fists clenched.

“Is this how it’s gonna be from now on?” He snapped. All laughter in the room came to an abrupt stop. “Because if it is, I’m already so fucking over it.” He said, his voice raising.

“Dude, calm down, it’s not that big of a deal, we weren’t even really doing anything.” Joe defended.

Ben shook his head. “This is fucking stupid. You really didn’t think that someone was gonna walk in? It’s 8 fucking 30!” He shouted.

“Ben, calm down.” You spoke softly, trying to diffuse the situation.

“No, Y/N, fuck off.”

“Woah!” Joe shouted, standing from the bed. “Just because you like my fucking girlfriend doesn’t give you the right to be mad at us for something like this!”

Everyone went silent and your jaw nearly dropped. Gwilym opened his mouth to say something, but Ben cut him off.

“Y/N, did you tell him?” He asked. He looked at you, hurt prevalent in his eyes.

Joe turned around to you and furrowed his eyebrows. “Tell me what?”

You looked back at Ben and he immediately realized what he had done. You had never told Joe, he had just made an assumption.

“Tell me what, Y/N?” He asked again.

“It’s not a big deal, I promise.” you pleaded.

“Don’t fuckng tell me that that’s true.” He laughed sarcastically.

You looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Ben, what the fuck.” He said, spinning on his heel to look Ben in the eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Nothing even happened, Joe. I told her and that’s it.” Ben admitted.

“You’re kidding.” He said. “Y/N, please tell me he’s kidding.”

“Joe, I thought that it was obvious that you already knew.” You said softly.

“Yeah, I kind of figured, but I didn’t think it was this fucking serious.” He said, turning back around to look at you. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You shook your head. “I didn’t want you to freak out on Ben.”

“Oh so you're looking after him now.”

“That’s not what I said.”

He shook his head then scoffed. He turned back to Ben like he was going to say something, but he didn’t. He walked out of the room, pushing past Ben to get out of your doorway.

You put your hand over your mouth as you listened to him walk down the steps. 

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.” Ben began.

“Fuck off.” You said, standing up to walk out the door in an attempt to follow Joe out of your house.

Ben and Gwilym stood there and looked at each other. Gwilym didn’t feel like he had the right to say anything, but it would be awkward if he didn’t.

“Well,” He began, “at least he knows now.”

[28allthelove28]

Essay on Fandom and Obsession (One Direction & Fionn Whitehead mainly)

I think it is vital to not make people feel guilty for the things that they enjoy. It is also important to realise that everyone gets obsessed with stuff, and it’s not a bad thing.

Fandom can often be seen as being predominantly young girls screaming and crying over young boys, and apparently that is not cool. At least a lot of people seem to think it is not cool, but that attitude is wrong. Yes, teenage girls have been freaking out over young men since before Beatlemania, but intense fandom and excessive love for your idol is by no means exclusive to young girls. Think of Morrissey. Grown men devote their lives to worshiping him. I’ve witnessed hard, tough, old men in tears, covered in Smiths tattoos, shouting every lyric out at a Morrissey gig, and no one batted an eye. It’s great! David Bowie inspired generations of working class lads to dye their hair bright orange and go out wearing glittery make up. Loads of men really idolise Oasis. Everybody loves Radiohead. I’m one of the proud and devoted thousands who flock in their Goth uniform to see The Cure perform every couple of years, and hopefully I always will be. The best moment of my life was my last Cure gig, and I’m very happy about that. Of course, fan girls don’t just like male musicians, a lot of girls like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Little Mix, so do a lot of boys. Lads also like Justin Bieber as well as girls. Maybe it is naïve, unnecessary and problematic to even consider fandom in terms of gender, especially in terms of only two genders.

To mention fan fiction, I bought a book from Rough Trade Records which was part of a series of works inspired by different musicians. It was a short story which the author imagined after listening to the album Dry by PJ Harvey. It may not be classed as conventional fan fiction per say, due to Polly Harvey not being directly featured in the story, but each chapter began with the first lyric of Polly’s song, in order of the album tracklist. Something creative and imaginative was born from an enjoyment of music, it was wonderful. And fandom is obviously not just music orientated, thousands of people are obsessed and devoted to football. I couldn’t even count the amount of Newcastle United Football Club tattoos I’ve seen. Game Of Thrones, Star Wars and Harry Potter have enormous fan bases too. The Great British Bake Off is huge, so are specific YouTubers, make-up brands, celebrities like the Kardashians, fashion brands, games, and phone apps. There are so many areas of fandom and obsession, when you begin to think about it. I may have glossed over and simplified some things but these serve as only a few brief examples, out of many, of how diverse and wonderful fandom can be.

Being a fan is clearly by absolutely no means just young females liking young male singers, and it probably is problematic to think so. Perhaps why it can initially seem that way, to me anyway, may be because a girl obsessing over a boy has been my personal experience, and in contemporary culture today, the media really does like to mock girls like me. To focus on One Direction in particular, because that is my biggest obsession, and is most relevant to this discussion, many journalists enjoy frequently claiming that all One Direction fans are hysterical, naive 12 year old girls, who want to sleep with the band, and only like them because they’re pretty. When in fact, not only is that disrespectful to any 12 year old 1D fans, but many fans have grown up with One Direction and are around the same age as them, if not much older. Many One Direction fans don’t fancy the band whatsoever, many 1D fans are boys, many fans are gender fluid, and all the fans that I’ve interacted with genuinely love 1D’s music and respect the band members. Yes, there are some people who sexualise, worship, and disrespect One Direction, but tabloid journalists can often only focus on that side of things.

I think it is important to highlight more so, that a vast portion of the One Direction fandom are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and through 1D and their fans, feel loved, supported, understood, welcomed, included and inspired to be strong and proud. A lot of One Direction concerts are full of rainbow flags, which then get shown on the big screen, signed by Louis, and worn by Harry. Harry has ‘liked’ Instagram posts encouraging people to “Support feminine boys” and Louis has even corrected Harry when he accidentally misgendered a fan. A vast portion of the 1D fandom, myself included, genuinely believe that Harry and Louis are in love, and have been in a secret relationship for years, and we completely support them. (I have a separate essay on this.) I talked about this recently with a lecturer in queer art history, who also believes in Larry, and is in awe at the level of visual analysis ‘Larries’ have undertaken to examine Harry and Louis’ complimentary couple tattoos.

Harry has inspired young boys to wear nail polish because, until seeing him do it, they “Didn’t know boys were allowed.” Again, I don’t want to skim over important issues, but I am quickly mentioning the importance of One Direction’s queer community, and Harry challenging gender norms, to disprove the media idea that all 1D fans are just there to sexualise the band. Yes, I and many others do find One Direction very beautiful and sexy, but I don’t want to be their girlfriend or their lover, at most I just want to be their best friend. I want to continue enjoying their music and supporting them as individuals. And so do the majority of fans that I interact with.

The way in which mainstream media represents One Direction fans can make them expect everyone to mock them. However Mark Radcliffe, a radio presenter on 6Music, an alternative station you would never expect to mention One Direction, recently spoke very kindly of Harry Styles and his fans. He saw people queuing to meet Harry, and explained on his show that they were very excited, and “Why wouldn’t they be?” Mark discussed that Harry was doing solo work and even made a feature out of fandom, asking listeners to text in their own experiences of queueing for their idols. Mark kept chatting to Harry’s fans, checking they were ok and he even brought them breakfast. The entire time Mark mentioned Harry and the fans, he spoke sweetly and respectfully and completely normally. This shouldn’t have been refreshing to hear, but it really was. I tweeted to thank Mark for his kindness, to which he ‘liked’ and replied. I simply found this a lovely and heart-warming example of respectable music news outlets treating young pop fans nicely.

Harry Styles himself was even asked about his fan-base being mainly composed of young girls, as if he were supposed to feel embarrassed about that, and he brilliantly commented “Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say. Music is something that’s changing… Young girls like the Beatles. You gonna tell me they’re not serious? How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future – our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going. Teenage-girl fans – they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act ‘too cool’. They like you, and they tell you.” I really don’t think there is a better way to say it. One Direction fans defend them against the media, but they also correct them if they make mistakes. We are honest.

Louis Tomlinson has also talked about how impressive and “Remarkable” his own fans devotion is, and how endlessly grateful he is for it. Louis has discussed how he’s built up a special relationship with his fans and often credits his success as being a constant “Teamwork” between him and the fans working together, even saying that they deserve managerial, promotion jobs. Niall Horan from One Direction constantly looks out for the safety of his fans as they queue to see him perform, and he even regularly shares photos of letters which he’s handwritten for fans, personally updating them on what he’s been up to. Liam Payne from 1D always remembers to acknowledge special band anniversaries that the fans get involved with, and Zayn Malik frequently shares examples of fan art that his fans have drawn of him. The members of the band which people idolise, equally love and appreciate their fans in return and form a family-like unit together, and it’s lovely.

People have picked up on this and even said that society should be built in a similar way as a fandom; supportive, passionate and communal. A lovely article was written by Aarabelle Sicardi, in which she describes fashion designer Rei Kawakubo as her own Harry Styles. She rightly notes that “Loving people makes you brave.” And that “Fandom is a pure version of this. It’s an ideal receptacle of feelings because you ask for nothing personal in return… fandom gave me bravery and friendship.” She admits that you can often find yourself needing to “Defend” your fandom love, and that people may dismiss the thing you love but the thing you love will never dismiss you. She discusses similar points which I have made that “Fandom lives in every industry if you know where to look…teen girls are always attacked for their fandom regardless: music fandom to outsiders looks uncool, unhinged or wasteful. You might see teen girls crying and holding signs or collecting memorabilia and think it’s too much for something so trivial. But it’s not.” Sicardi quotes Harry’s fans as they describe how he was a gateway to finding their queer community and affirming their own identity, saying that “His existence in the world made them more comfortable with their own…Teen girls are criticized for loving the wrong things and loving them in weird and unproductive ways. But the criticisms couldn’t be more off base. They love things with a brilliance and curiosity that makes them better for it…Teen girls push themselves to learn how to code so they can build beautiful fan-pages and online communities… It helps them build worlds out of their imaginings.” Through writing about One Direction, myself and many other fans have also learnt more about putting forward an argument, gathering information, formatting essays and questioning things. Sicardi ends her article by saying that loving things makes fans smarter and braver, and I agree.

These are all beautiful, empowering things, but for me, being so engaged in a fandom can also mean that I do live inside my head quite a lot, but it’s mostly very nice in there, and I think everyone does that. Everyone imagines things. Everyone enjoys the things they enjoy. Admittedly I probably think that obsessing over famous boys is worse than it actually is. In reality I’ve now learnt that it’s not that bad at all. Yes, loving One Direction, Larry Stylinson and Fionn Whitehead can cause some problems – what if no man in real life can live up to them? What if Larry or ‘Larries’ have set unrealistic expectations of relationships? What if I’m more invested in their wellbeing than my own, and those around me? What if I spend so much time on them that I am ignorant to real world problems? What if their rich and privileged lifestyles have made me greedy and selfish? What if their success being born from luck on a talent show has made me lazy and less ambitious? What if their enormous success at the same age as me has made me value my own progress less? What if their physical beauty and that of the people around them has made me doubt and criticise my own? However, perhaps me thinking that loving a boy band or an actor is damaging and could cause all these issues, is the actual problem. Perhaps the obsession itself is not the problem, but my attitude towards it, an attitude influenced by media shame. Maybe me thinking it’s a problem is the only problem.

In reality, it is fun, and educational, and cultural to discover an actor or a singer. To appreciate a person’s talent and hard work, to notice their good qualities, to learn things from them and from their art, to unashamedly be passionate about something, to meet new people through that shared interest and then learn more things from them. All of that is a positive, and rewarding, and beautiful thing. I just have to keep thinking that until I no longer need to remind myself.

Perhaps this whole essay is my way of justifying to myself that it is ok for me to be obsessed with Fionn Whitehead and One Direction. Of course it is. Life is too short and dramatic to worry about things that you don’t really need to worry about. Life is too short and dramatic to deny yourself what you enjoy. Life is too short and dramatic to be over influenced by other people and their opinions. Life is too short and dramatic to not be proud of who you are and what makes you happy.